Realizing that the person you care for has been unfaithful can be an extremely painful experience. Regardless of whether or not you choose to remain with your partner, your reactions during that difficult time can cause additional emotional pain and further damage to the relationship. In Part 1 of this two part series, learn which behaviors to avoid after confirming your partner has cheated.
Don't Confront Your Partner Without Proof and a Plan
Most experts agree that you should confront your partner about his or her cheating but advise that you should never do so without proof. Take time to gather as much evidence as possible. Your evidence should include names, dates, locations, times, absences, phone records and physical proof.
Once you have gathered substantial evidence, choose a place and time where the two of you can discuss the issue at length and without interruption. Present the evidence you've gathered and ask as many questions as you feel comfortable with. Examples would be why and when the affair began and what your partner intends to do now that you are aware of the affair. Listen carefully to your partner's answers so you can accurately assess the situation.
Don't Pretend the Affair Didn't Occur
Although denial can be a powerful tool which can protect you from emotional pain, it is important to face reality. You cannot begin to heal until you acknowledge the infidelity. Ignoring the affair can be viewed as a passive way of giving your partner permission to continue seeing his or her lover. Some affairs thrive on secrecy. Often talking to your partner about his or her infidelity is enough to end it completely.
Don't Harass or Threaten Your Partner's Lover
It is natural to be curious about the person your partner cheated with but in order to move forward, you must accept that he or she is not worth your time. Do not harass or threaten them and avoid calling or confronting him or her and demanding that they leave your partner alone. Name-calling, criticizing and belittling can bring your partner to his or her defense, especially immediately after the affair is exposed. In some cases, that type of behavior can actually drive the two of them closer together. A better choice is to focus your energy and efforts on repairing your relationship.
For information on when or how to ask you partner to leave after learning about an affair or when or if you should share the news with friends and relatives, please refer to Part 2 of this two-part series.
Source:
- Janis Abrahms Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Harper Paperbacks, January 1990.
- Janis A. Spring, How Can I Forgive You?, Harper Paperbacks, February 2005.
- Linda J. MacDonald, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful, Healing Counsel Press, November 2010.
- Douglas K. Snyder PhD, Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal and Move On - Together or Apart, The Guilford Press, January 2007.
Danielle McGinnis - Danielle McGinnis is the mother of a college freshman and full-time freelance writer.
