Although few people who marry believe they will have an affair, a great many go on to have one or more. The reasons people cheat are varied and motivated by many different reasons. Surprisingly, the majority of affairs are not about sex but are actually caused by neglect, hurt feelings, fear and the desire to feel alive. Understanding what led your partner to cheat and the type of affair he or she had can help the two of you repair the damage to your relationship and build a stronger partnership.
Sexual Addiction
Sex addicts engage in multiple one-night stands, the use of prostitutes and computer and phone sex. They use sex as a way to numb inner pain and emptiness similar to the way alcoholics abuse alcohol. Sex addicts typically come from dysfunctional families and may have been physically, emotionally or sexually abused. Sex addiction is treated with therapy designed to control the addictive behavior and help the person develop a healthy sexuality.
Intimacy Avoidance Affair
Some people use an affair or affairs as a way to avoid intimacy. These people are frightened at the thought of getting close to one person and work to keep barriers between them and their partner. They are referred to as intimacy avoiders. Intimacy avoiders usually experienced some type of emotional trauma, such as the death of a spouse or parent, which causes them to avoid an ntimate emotional connection with another person.
Sacrifice Affair
A sacrifice affair occurs when one or both partners in a relationship realize they have sacrificed their own feelings and needs to take care of others. A person in this position usually embarks on an affair which is serious, long-term and passionate. In most cases, the person having the affair finds themselves in a position where they care deeply for both partners. A sacrifice affair is more common among men than women.
Exit Affair
Often a person who is extremely dissatisfied with his or her relationship will use cheating as a means to escape. This type of infidelity is known as an exit affair. An exit affair is more common with women than men and typically occurs when a woman is unhappy with her partner but feels too guilty to end the relationship. Because men are less inclined to forgive infidelity, they often initiate a breakup, alleviating the woman of guilty feelings. Having an exit affair can also ensure a woman has someone to turn to after her relationship ends.
For more information on relationships and infidelity read Actions to Avoid After Learning Your Partner Has Been Unfaithful and How To Catch a Partner You Suspect Is Cheating.
Sources:
- Mira Kirshenbaum, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships, St. Martin's Press, May 2008.
- Linda J. MacDonald, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, Counsel Press, November 2010..
- Donald H. Beaucom, PhD, Douglas K. Snyder PhD, Kristina Coop Gordon PhD, Helping Couples Get Past the Affair: A Clinician's Guide, The Guilford Press, February 2011.
- Irwin M. Marcus, Why Men Have Affairs: Real Life Solutions For Men, Women and Couples, Bon Temps Press, May 2004.
Danielle McGinnis - Danielle McGinnis is the mother of a college freshman and full-time freelance writer.
